All I'm Saying there's a joke in here somewhere

So one of the first things I've noticed about this whole pregnancy thing is that I have the keenest sense of smell ever. Especially in the morning. Nothing has made me hurl yet, but I've been tempted.

I walked past my neighbors' garage yesterday and I could smell their garbage cans. In the garage. With the door closed.

I went shopping at the mall with a girlfriend of mine, and we were at center court and I said, "Why on earth do I smell rabbits?" She gave me the oddest look and said, "Because the pet store at the other end of the mall is selling bunnies right now."

I'm telling you--it's like having Spider Sense.

Okay, so the job I just finished up was for the Forest Service, and I managed campgrounds and other recreation facilities. That's the big mystery that they didn't want me talking about--whoop-de-do, right?

So last week, I pulled up to one of the worst outhouses on the whole district. This thing is always filthy. I don't know if an extra-high number of crazy people like to stop and make doo-doo on the floor there (I am not kidding) or what, but it just is pretty darn nasty most of the time.

I was getting my cleaning gear out of the back of the truck and putting on my rubber gloves when I smelled a cigarette burning. Since there was no one in the parking lot, I figured some dipshit had thrown a lit cigarette into the grass and took off. I decided I'd find it after cleaning the outhouse and get rid of it so it wouldn't start a fire.

I walked up to the outhouse and noticed that someone had propped the outhouse doors open, because people seem to think that makes it smell better in there. It doesn't--the science of fecal management is such that the sewage vaults vent through a vent stack, but only when the door is closed. Keep that in mind, people--the door must be CLOSED!

With an eye-roll, I turned and walked into the mens' side of the pooper. And there, sitting before me on the throne with his pants down around his ankles, was a young man having a poop and a smoke while looking out the open door at the lovely view. And I was looking in the open door at the decidedly unlovely view. He said, "Excuse me!" and I said (a la Steve Martin), "Excyoooooose ME!" and was so addled by the whole experience that I just turned around, got back in my truck, and left.

I just took a pregnancy test.

Continue reading "Y'all Ready for This?"

So, I wrapped up my last day of work in Cascade today. The whole week was pretty cheesy. The closest thing I got to a send-off was my staff officer saying, "We keep forgetting to put together a going-away party for you, but we're hoping you can come up for a potluck when things aren't quite as busy around here." Thaaaaaanks.

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow (or maybe Monday) for all the details about the teaser post I wrote the other day. I'll give you a little hint: it involves me cleaning outhouses. Hmmmm.

Ow. My back is killing me today.

Matt came up last night to visit me and pick up the dogs. He had meetings for the first three days of the week, and knew they'd all run late, so I took Cody & Grover to Cascade with me.

I had him bring his sleeping bag and camping mattress, but we foolishly decided that there was enough room for both of us in the twin bed--the only bed available. I slept on the four inches of bed crammed closest to the wall, and he slept on the four inches with one leg hanging off the edge of the bed.

I think that's the last time we'll be trying that.

I have been plowing through the work this week. It's my last week of work in Cascade, and I can't seem to develop that "short-timers' syndrome" you hear so much about. Every day has been absolutely loaded down with tasks, and I know there's a bunch of stuff that I'll probably forget to do despite my best efforts, and some poor sap will get stuck doing it later.

So far, I've received a couple of going away gifts. One was a good-sized bottle of vanilla from Mexico, which smells like heaven and will be great for baking. The other...well, one of my extra-religious co-workers has been trying to bring me to Jesus for years now, and has had limited luck. (Durrr...) He brought me a couple of books about finding God. He just about found god himself by bringing up the notion one more f*cking time, but I decided to let him live. I think I'll see if I can sell the books on E-bay.

I have the best story EVER to tell you guys!

Continue reading "Oh. My. God."

Tomorrow marks the start of my last week working in Cascade. I am very grateful for that, largely because I'll soon be living full-time in my own home and working in a new environment. I probably can't really express, at least not without boring you to tears, how happy I am to be starting this new job.

However, it's not without its sadder side. I started working with my current employer (though different offices and departments) when I was eighteen years old. I think my employer and the people I met through my employer did more to shape the adult I became than anything else after I left my parents' home. I've been with my employer for twelve years now.

It hasn't been the easiest road; I've had to overcome the fact that I am a woman working in a very male-dominated environment. For the first few years pretty much the whole time I've been there, I had to overcome the fact of my youth taking away from my credibility. But I've learned to be independent. I've learned that sometimes the only praise I'm going to get has to come from myself. I've learned that while you can never please everyone, you can forge ahead if you believe in what you are doing.

So, it is with some regrets and a lot of fond memories that I bid my agency a farewell. Thanks for all the lessons I've learned and for giving me the backbone to face issues outside my professional life. Thanks most of all for the people I met and who I have come to love.

Matt and I went out last night to celebrate my new job. We looked through Boise Weekly's restaurant guide, and settled on The Milky Way, a trendy place downtown.

How can you deny menu items like braised beef cheeks and apple-crusted prime rib of pork? We couldn't.

Sadly, the food didn't live up to the hype. My pork was overcooked, and both dishes were underflavored. The service was outstanding and the ambiance was great, but for the $80 we spent by the time drinks, a salad, entrees and a shared dessert were over, I really think we could have got a much tastier meal for less money elsewhere.

For lack of anything better to talk about, here's a joke for you:

An old woman is walking around the nursing home in her nightgown. She approaches one old man, lifts the hem of her nightgown and flashes him, and says, "Supersex!"

She wanders down the hallway, comes to another old man in a wheelchair, lifts her nightgown and repeats, "Supersex!"

The old man, thinks for a second, then says, "I believe I'll take the soup."

Sorry about the brevity of yesterday's message. I didn't have a lot of time to post, but I did want to let you all know. I know how avidly most of you follow my life. Ha. Ha ha.

I will be starting the new job the day after Memorial Day. My last day in Cascade is the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend, since that's a busy one up here and I decided to be a good sport and just work that day.

The new job is an executive assistant position, and because it's another branch of essentially the same employer, I can't really discuss any of my work stuff in this venue. But I can say that the new office is about ten minutes from my house in Boise, and that I'm so excited to be starting this new opportunity.

Thanks again for the well wishes!

Yep, that's right: I got the job I had the second interview for last week. I need to negotiate my start date, but it looks like somewhere around the end of this month or the first week of June.

Thanks loads for all the support you guys have given!

Warning, Survivor finale spoiler in the extended entry!

Continue reading "And the Winner Is..."

Matt played in an NFL celebrity golf tournament yesterday. Not, obviously, because he was ever anywhere close to being an NFL player, but because he is pals with the organizer for the event.

I went to the after-tournament dinner and hung out with him for a while and did a little people watching. Keep in mind that I don't know anything about anybody in sports, unless it makes the gossip pages. But for those who have the slightest interest in this kind of thing, these are the big names who were there:

Roger Craig, formerly of the 49'ers
Rod Martin, formerly of the Raiders
Kenny King, also formerly of the Raiders
Mark Jackson, Rick Upchurch and Ron Egloff of the Broncos
...and some female basketball star, who was blonde and had huge hooters, but we have no real idea what her name was.

Hoo boy, I flat-out didn't remember about the allergies I used to get when I lived in Boise a few years ago. I rolled in to town from work Thursday night and the sniffling and sneezing started within about fifteen minutes. Boise is completely surrounded by sagebrush, and I think that's what I'm dealing with. This too shall pass, right?

In other news, I had what I think was another really good job interview yesterday morning. They had done the first round of interviews a few weeks ago, then culled the list down to the top 5. It was a very brief discussion where they just clarified the position duties a bit and they asked a few questions about how I would deal with certain situations. I think I nailed it. I heard later through the Coconut Telegraph that the head of this department contacted one of my old bosses after I left to get another reference. I hope that means something good is about to happen. They said I should know something next week.

I completely, utterly over-ate tonight. Matt went and fetched us up some rib steaks from the butcher nearby and we grilled them. (Or we "grilled out" as the Midwesterners say.) We also had baked potatoes and salad, plus I had a little appetizer of some Spanish cheese. Now I could pretty much ralph.

The thing was, we were watching "Survivor" while we were eating, and I know those people are hungry and they're sick and tired of eating coconuts. My gorging myself was nothing but a show of solidarity. I'm telling you.

I have a second interview tomorrow for the position I initially interviewed for a couple of weeks ago. That tells me I definitely made the short list. But how short is that list? I don't know, but godalmighty, I hope to have good job news to share with you all soon.

(Good luck getting that song out of your head.)

Sherri just tagged me, so here goes: I'm supposed to select and complete 5 of the following statements, then make 3 other people do the same. I pick Ginny, Melissa, and Badger.

If I could be a scientist
If I could be a farmer
If I could be a musician
If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter
If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary
If I could be a chef, I would probably weigh about 700 pounds from tasting my own cooking all the time.
If I could be an architect, I'd design and build a treehouse to live in along the lines of the one the Swiss Family Robinson lived in.
If I could be a linguist
If I could be a psychologist, people would take me more seriously when I told them that they were fucked in the head.
If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete
If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an inn-keeper
If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer
If I could be a llama-rider
If I could be a bonnie pirate, I would buckle many swashes.
If I could be an astronaut, I would eat as much cheese and meat pre-flight as possible so that I didn't have to poop in space.
If I could be a world famous blogger
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world
If I could be married to any current famous political figure

I had a doctors appointments yesterday and this morning, so I was at home overnight. Matt and I went to Jamba Juice to get a smoothie before my a.m. appointment, and saw a couple of interesting things:

One, the Jamba Juice is located right outside Edwards 21 Cinemas, the big movie house in Boise. So over the weekend, some TOTAL WANK set up a tent and is holed up in it (in the rain) in preparation for the new Star Wars movie. There was definitely someone in it, as I saw a hand reach up out of the door opening to adjust the rain fly. That's just pathetic.

Two, we went into Jamba and were followed shortly thereafter by two women. I think they were a mother and daughter. The younger one appeared very woozy and was leaning on the older woman as she walked in. I looked closely at her (from the corner of my eye) and she had a big, bloody wad of tissue stuck in her mouth. I don't know if she'd just had oral surgery or what, but I'm sorry--if you're a walking bloodborne pathogen, I don't want you anywhere near a food preparation area.

/skeeve

Holy crow, my back is killing me. I'm hoping to get in to see my acupressurist soon, as I know he can fix what ails me. And what is it that ails me? Stress.

I've got a bad habit of letting all the stress I'm dealing with translate into aches and pains in my shoulders and back. That's pretty much the case this time. I feel like I've got giant, hot knots between my spine and shoulder blades.

The acupressurist gives me all kinds of interesting advice about how to deal with stress in more proactive ways. For one thing, he advises me to do deep breathing to oxygenate my body and clear the CO2 out of my muscles. He could say it simply, like I just did, but he chooses not to. Instead, he has given me a mantra. As nearly as I can quote him:

"The first place we learn to control our bodies is through our anus. Our parents teach us to hold it in until we get to the bathroom, and that's the first unnatural stiffening we cause ourselves. So when you start to feel stress, start your deep breathing and think of your anus. You will unconsciously deepen your breathing. When you're dealing with someone who is causing you stress, breathe, and think of the asshole underneath you, rather than the one in front of you."

The scary thing is, it works. When I remember to do it.

My neighborhood really reminds me of the one featured on Desperate Housewives, only less affluent. We all live in two-story homes with cute little gables and dormers, and people have flowers planted in the front yard (notice I just said, "People," not "Us"). I'm sure it's at least 75% window-dressing, because you know people have plenty of angst in their lives. I told my next door neighbor one day that I was just sure we were going to have to bury a dead body in the back yard one of these days. It's just too like Forsythia Wisteria Lane here.

Continue reading "Another Idyllic Day on Forsythia Wisteria Lane"

One of the things I like to do when I have a seemingly endless amount of time to dick around on the computer is to surf blogrolls of people on my own blogroll.

I have noticed that most of the bloggers I come across swear like sailors. I like to joke that I was raised by loggers, and my boss likes to not joke about charging me a dollar for every time I curse at work. And I like to not joke with him and say that I am simply not paid enough.

I believe my favorite curse word has to be "shit." It's almost as utilitarian as fuck, but I think if you say "Fuck this, fuck that," too much, it becomes tired and overused, and I really like to have the oomph of it all behind me.

And you all: what is your favorite swear? Also, do you know any good curse words in other languages that you'd like to teach me? (Warning: I already know most of the ones in Spanish.)

I was reading Greg's recent post about making a mix tape/CD for a friend. And it led me to an idea!

I want you guys to come up with a blogworld mix tape for me. Select one song and put it in the comments. If you'd like, add a note about why you picked it.

Ready, set, go!

You're Lolita!

by Vladimir Nabokov

Considered by most to be depraved and immoral, you are obsessed with sex. What really tantalizes you is that which deviates from societal standards in every way, though you admit that this probably isn't the best and you're not sure what causes
this desire. Nonetheless, you've done some pretty nefarious things in your life, and probably gotten caught for them. The names have been changed, but the problems are real. Please stay away from children.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Via Badger.

Psst...if you're someone I've linked to lately, my TrackBack is being wonky and sending me errors, so I don't know if anyone is getting a ping from me.

I was in Boise Monday night and most of the day yesterday. There was a training session, which I basically bailed out of about 2/3 of the way through in order to get my hair cut. I've been getting it cut by the same person(Lisa at A Cutting Crew, on Orchard) for over 8 years now. She's great and tremendously popular. So it isn't her fault I look the way I do now. While getting ready in the camper this morning, I discovered that one should not run the microwave, CD player and electric heater all at once. I blew a fuse, and have no idea where the box is located to replace it. So what did I have to do? I went outside and unplugged the trailer from the power box, plugged in my blow dryer, and dried my hair standing outside plugged into a post. I'm pretty sure that's the first time that circumstance has occurred in the history of time, at least within a half-mile of my location.

Because I didn't leave town until late-ish last night, Matt and I went to Gourmet Night at Flying Pie, the best pizza place in Boise. Each Tuesday night, they create a bunch of different pies that aren't available from their menu. Examples include a Gyro pie (delicious), and our personal favorite, a Fromage-a-roni, which has Gouda cheese and pepperoni. Mmm! It also includes about a tablespoon of minced garlic on every slice, so I believe I am probably vampire-proof for a few days.

Erica just solved an age-old riddle for me: how do the families of Extreme Home Make-over manage to pay their property taxes after their ghetto crack house is torn down and a villa built in its place?

They lease the property for the purposes of shooting the show for 14 days. Any improvements made during the lease are tax-exempt.

How 'bout that.

I supervise between 8 and 11 people during the summer. It's a seasonal workforce, and because of that, there is a lot of turn-over. It's also a lot of entry-level work.

As a result, I end up mothering quite a few people and sometimes it is like trying to herd cats to get them all going the direction I want them to. Looking down from my lofty 12 years with this organization, I know that the things they think they need to have to be good employees are not always in agreement with what I think they need.

Supervision is absolutely, positively the hardest part of my job. What do you all count as your most difficult duty?

Well, I'm about to head back to Cascade. The good thing is that I'm there for one night, then coming back Monday night for training, then going back Tuesday night. I'm always okay with one less night in the RV. Oh, how do you like this: my dad has decided that when I am done with the RV, he's going to get rid of it and buy a new one because the one I'm staying in right now is just "too junky." I wish he'd made that decision a month ago, but beggars can't be choosers.

In other news, my job interview Thursday went really well. I think. I said that last time, too, didn't I? But I hope to hear something about it late this week or maybe early next. We'll see.