All I'm Saying there's a joke in here somewhere

The Fleshy Orb at 35.5 weeks

I feel much larger than this picture makes me look.

It dawned on me today that there are going to be three members of our household here before long--we'll be a three person family. Not that it was a quantum leap of logic or anything, but the reality of it kind of struck me. Matt and I have been together for over seven years and married for nearly four, and have a really close relationship. Having this whole 'nother entity, and a very needy one at that, is certain to change things for good or for bad. (Probably both, to varying degrees.)

So I'm wondering, what advice do you folks out there have for us? Did you learn any particular lessons about marriage when you became a parent? Anything you want to share with me? Answer in the comments, if you please!

I haven't anything particularly coherent to discuss tonight, but I will share several wandering thoughts with you all.

1. It is raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock here in Boise tonight. I may have to take the rowboat to work tomorrow.

2. I gained exactly zero pounds in the last 8 days between doctor appointments. Go me!

3. My site comes up in Google searches for "aching pubic bone." Again, go me!

4. I may be developing a shopping impairment. I have tried like burning to find things to buy in the after-holiday sales, and am coming up with bupkus. My shopper is broken.

Well, that's it. Random enough for you?

Thirty-five down; five to go. I'm in the home stretch, but I am really pooping out.

We just got back from a trip to CostCo. (You could also replace this event's trip with yesterday's trips to Target, Borders, etc. It's all the same.) Whenever I get around a bunch of people, my blood pressure starts to rise, I get very combative, and Matt hovers close by to make sure I don't assault anyone.

I believe I have figured it out. I feel very vulnerable right now, which surely must be symptomatic of looming labor and delivery. The more vulnerable I feel, the more hostile and defensive I get. I'm like a freaking coyote in a trap.

What happened to nesting, anyway?

Fish With Two Mouths Found in Nebraska

It’s like something out of that episode of “The Simpsons,” where Bart catches a three-eyed fish named Blinky. Saturday, Clarence Olberding of Lincoln had a similar experience: He pulled a rainbow trout with two mouths out of Holmes Lake.

My favorite quotes from the article include, "It led to a blind hole or pouch," and, "I'm going to smoke it up and eat it."

My husband, wildlife management professional extraordinaire, upon seeing the photograph stated, "Eww, icky!"

I am pretty sure there is no such thing as a ham-flavored potato chip, so if you would kindly turn off whatever part of you is insisting that it is vital to your development, I would greatly appreciate it.

Love,
Mommy

Update: They do make ham flavored potato chips. Thanks to Kat for pointing this out. She's been dubbed with the honorarium, "Freya's God-Mother of Odd Snacks."

Go take a look at the Scared of Santa Photo Gallery.

Via Erica.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am just not feeling the Christmas cheer this year. I think a lot of people are feeling this way, and I'm really not sure why that is.

I get to unwrap some presents in a few days--meh.
I have a pretty tree in the living room--meh.
There will be lots of good food to eat--meh.

I'm just not that excited. I am pretty sure that my circumstances are due to the fact that Christmas is not the big event of my winter. I think delivering our baby will be taking that particular acclaim. But that doesn't account for all the other people who aren't real wound up about Christmas either. Is it? Do you have the holiday meh's? How come?

I am happy to report that my pubic bone was aching for a reason--there is a small head pressed up against it. (From the inside, thank you very much.) Freya has turned and is in the proper position for a natural birth.

Good baby!

Yes, I said "natural." Have I mentioned that we're going to try a drug-free birth? Part of me thinks I am out of my mind; most of me feels like that is the right thing to do. I am not ruling out the possibility that I may faint like a sheep during the first tough contractions and that I will demand an epidural upon revival. But you know, I really think I can do it.

I have about six weeks of pregnancy to go, give or take. I just looked back at my entries from when I had only been pregnant for six weeks so I could see what I had to complain about at that point: looks like I had a teensy lack of energy and I could smell the neighbors' garbage cans when they were still in their garages. Poor, poor little barely pregnant girl.

With six weeks left, I have the following:
Aching pubic bone (due--hopefully--to a small head pressed close to it)
Incessant heartburn
Urinary incontinence
Backaches
Ligament pain
Separated ribs all the way up to my bra strap
Swollen calves and ankles, a region now known as my "cankles"

And to top it all off, I have a fierce head cold. And you know what I can take for it? Nothing useful at all. I am an Aleve Cold and Sinus girl, and that is so off the books until after delivery. I can have Tylenol and the occasional Sudafed. Suck.

But you know what is scary? I'm going to just keep right on getting more and more uncomfortable, all of it culminating in something that friends and the occasional article about labor and delivery refer to as, "the ring of fire," also known as "crowning."

Remind me to tell you what I have to bitch about six weeks after delivery.

Here's a little question for you nutrition/weight loss buffs out there:

Two batches of caramel corn
A pan of shortbread
3 dozen sugar cookies

The energy expended to create those carbohydrate-y treats probably negates the calories taken in as I grazed my way through the recipes, right?

Since I am home with a sore throat today, I took the opportunity to acquaint myself with iTunes. I have been deeply concerned about offending RIAA for 'lo these many years, and have never downloaded music until today. (Someone please tell me that iTunes is legit, for Christ's sake. My baby needs her mother at home.) My goal was to put together a CD or two of songs to play during labor and delivery in order to stay relaxed and have something nice to focus on.

I'm looking for input. Keep in mind that while some of the songs are okay to be upbeat, I am trying to keep things, uh...easy like Sunday morning. (I didn't put that one on there because I would have been viciously mocked by my husband, who doesn't believe The Commodores have a place on the planet, much less anywhere near where innocent babies are coming into the world. Poopyhead.) So suggest songs for me!

A small sampling of the 2.5 hours I have put together--from iTunes, but mostly from my own CD collection--is as follows:

Island in the Sun, Weezer
Sweet Baby James, James Taylor
Dance Me to the End of Love, Madeline Peyroux
I Saw a Bird Fly Away, Dar Williams
Landslide, The Dixie Chicks
You're Beautiful, James Blunt
You Dance, eastmountainsouth
Forever My Friend, Ray LaMontagne
Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

What would you add? If you were a squiggling, pink recent fetus, what song would you like to be hearing as you were coming into the world?

I don't know why I just felt compelled to try and write my own palindrome. It will probably never happen again. Anyway, here's a little meme Maribeth set me up with.

5 Weird Habits about Myself

Rules: "The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits of yourself," and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You are tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours."

1. I floss my teeth every single night, no matter what.
2. People tell me that when I roll my eyes, I only roll my right eye up. The left one goes toward the outside, which is very weird. I'm not sure this is a habit, per se, but it is weird.
3. I place a sheet or two of toilet paper in the bowl at home before going #2 in order to create what I call a "splash baffle," protecting my bottom from being splashed by toilet waters.
4. I always get up and go pee after "doing the deed."
5. I seriously can't come up with a fifth one. Sorry

Now, to tag the following:
Erica
Sherri
Jess
Donna
Dee

Why is it that I always seem to get screwed in holiday white elephant gift exchanges? (These are the ones where you draw numbers for wrapped gifts, then you can either get an unwrapped gift someone has already picked that you like, or you can go get a wrapped one and take your chances.)

I was involved in one today where I had the very last number in succession. There were lots of nice gifts--this was not a gag-gift exchange. I looked at what everyone else had unwrapped, and there was a big basket of bubble baths and lotions that I really wanted. However, there was one more wrapped present left. I looked. I pondered. I cogitated.

Then, like the jackass I am, I picked the wrapped present instead of what I knew I would like. Curiosity claimed another cat. I got a crappy wallet from ShopKo. And someone else sauntered out with the bubble bath I could be soaking in tonight.

So my advice to you all is to take the bird in hand. You probably won't like what is hiding in the bushes.

Our childbirth preparation class includes something called "The Empathy Belly," a 35-lb. sack of tummy and boobage that the baby daddy gets to wear for 20-30 minutes in order to gain some small understanding of how freaking uncomfortable it is for the woman to carry the child around. I think it worked on Matt:

Cute, ain't he?

It gets cuter:

And finally:

He got to take his off, though. I'm still packing.

I ordered one of Matt's favorite childhood books from Amazon booksellers a while back. It was out of print, but I was able to find it for a bargain price, and we just got it in the mail today.

So Reason #1779 in the Why I Love my Husband category is because he got all misty when he thought about reading one of his own childhood favorites to our little girl.

Hard to believe how quickly these weekends go. Of course, I feel like the weeks fly by as well, so I guess it balances out in some regard.

I didn't get a whole lot accomplished with my two days. I went and had a massage from my doula on Saturday, spent an hour sleeping at home after that, then we hit the holiday party the folks at Matt's work threw. It was nice enough, and I got plenty to eat. This was really the first time since the pregnancy started that I got a lot of unsolicited advice. People have been really respectful, for the most part. Last night, however, everyone and their dog wanted to tell me all about the hellish deliveries they (or someone they knew) had, how breast-feeding was the hardest thing ever, and how your whole life is going to end up turned on its ass. Basically nothing I wasn't already aware of, but it was odd to have the Advice-o-Matic switched to a full on position.

Matt and I went to see The Chronicles of Narnia today. I must confess that I have read the entire series three times, so while I wasn't one of those militant weirdos sitting there going, "Hey, that's not exactly what Lucy said when Edmund did that," I was kind of skeptical. But you know, they did a really good job with it. I don't think they left anything key out, nor did they put anything in that wasn't actually in the book. Sadly, though, it just lacked the magic the books have. Anyway, I give it a thumbs up. Definitely worth going to see in the theatre.

Tonight is the big Survivor finale! I'm going to go on record here and say that I think Dani is going to win. I have not looked at any spoiler sites at all--that's just my gut feeling. We'll see.

Here's my big ol' belly at 32 weeks:

Sorry about the photo quality--we got the new digital camera yesterday and we're still experimenting with it.

Okay, I think I got the comment calamity worked out, thanks to Mel. She installed a script for me that will close comments after 5 days, plus eliminated trackback. No one was tracking me back, anyway. Not like I'd be that offended if someone didn't.

Big Martha, the one-eyed Mitsubishi babysitter (of my husband) has been repaired. I was able to watch Survivor tonight. That's a good thing.

The college student who interviewed with my husband's department and who has been staying with us is actually a really nice guy, is super low-maintenance, and has bought us dinner the last two nights in a row.

Finally, while I don't believe Freya has changed position, my doula assures me there are tons of things we can do to get her out of breech position before I am close to delivery. Several treatments (chiropractic and acupuncture) have an over-80% success rate in turning babies into the right birthing position. Then there's the whole external manipulation thing my doctor talked about before, in case the other two things don't work.

So I'm feeling okay about life again.

Mel fixed my commenting issue for me. In my frustration with the trackback spam, I went in and banned a bunch of IP addresses the other night. However, in the cut-and-paste phase of my session, I accidentally added a ")" (the singular of parentheses, whatever the hell that's called). That threw the whole thing out of whack.

If you recall, Mel did all my design and implemented my site migration over to Movable Type. She does awesome work, and I can't recommend her enough. Plus, her ongoing service just rocks because all I have to do is mention an issue and she goes in and tidies up all my mistakes without a quiver. Thank you, Mel!

As far as the trackback spam goes, I'm probably pissing into the wind by banning IP's, aren't I? It seems like the IP's are infinite in number and variety, so maybe it is a waste of my time. I'd just like to think there's some spammer out there saying, "Foiled again!" and wringing their pale, claw-like hands when their trackback bounces back. Sigh...

Looks like I may have messed up my comments somewhere along the line of trying to eradicate my comment/trackback spam. Thanks to the couple of you who have e-mailed me to point that out. I'm looking into it, and will try to get it worked out. In the meantime, please don't stop trying to comment!

Thanks.

Do you know that feeling where you take just a casual swipe at your nose, more of a brushing it than a picking really, and you accidentally dislodge a booger? And then you can't find it and you're freaked out because you're in a relatively public place and know that it is only a matter of time before someone walks up to you and recognizes the fact that you have mucous hanging off some part of your face or your wardrobe?

You know that feeling? Really, you do?

God, you're gross.

I'm a bit pissy this evening. Several reasons why--allow me to share, won't you?

1. Went to the doctor today and Freya is still in breech position at 32 weeks of gestation. This means she is sitting up, facing the same direction as me, more or less. Babies don't come out your hoo-ha so good when they're turned this way. In fact, my doctor told me today that she will not deliver the natural way if the baby doesn't turn between now and around 38 weeks or so. Zipper, anyone? No thank you! So I have to get the kid to turn completely upside down in the next few weeks. There are evidently exercises for this, and I will be consulting my doula.

2. My family is so screwed up. I swear to God, there are definite disadvantages to being the well-adjusted one. Everyone else wants you to fix them.

3. We have a house-guest. I don't even know this person--he's here to interview for a job with my husband's employer. Mr. Bountiful (my husband) told him he could stay here for FOUR FLIPPIN' DAYS during the course of the interview/recruitment process. I am feeding a college kid. Good practice for motherhood?

4. Big Martha up and died last night. BM is the humongous TV that my husband bought in April with his share of the real estate proceeds (I bought the sectional, if you recall). The ol' girl appears to have blown a tube or some damn thing, and that caused me to miss Grey's Anatomy. TWOP has not yet posted a recap. Dammit all to hell. The repair guy is supposed to be here on Wednesday and he'd better have it fixed in time for me to watch Survivor on Thursday. Or I'll just spit. Or go get a hotel room.

End rant.

Whew, I'm spent. Matt and I went to three different places today to look at Christmas trees. We're not that picky, even. First we ended up at Home Despot, which had decent trees. However, I wanted to get some outside lights, and I wanted a varied-color string. And get this: some jackass had come in to the store the day before and bought every single string of multi-colored lights the store had. What kind of grinch does something like that, anyway?

Next, we went to Zamzow's. They wanted a freaking fortune for their trees, and since we had to get lights yet anyway, we decided to go spend our money at Lowe's.

We found our tree, we found our lights. We came home, put up outside lights, put up the tree, decorated it, AND I finished all my Christmas cards.

I'm done. For now.

I was just browsing Rude Cactus, which is something I should do a lot more often, but I tend to lack time lately. Chris has a pretty darn good post over there about teaching your baby sign language that I think you guys ought to check out.

I was just checking my site stats, and noticed that someone had arrived at the page by Google-ing for "Star Jones thongs."

I hope to high hell they were interested in footwear.

Geez, I went through a relatively peaceful time there where I wasn't dealing with spamming here. In the last week or so though, things have gone crazy.

What is the point of trackback spam, anyway? Does anyone even look at a page's trackbacks, besides the page author? So who is the audience? I've started getting this kind of spam where it isn't just from some grotesquely-named, obvious spammer. I'm now getting trackbacks from real-sounding names and each one starts with a compliment on how nice my page is. But you read farther into the ping, and there are links to all the usual online poker/online poking sites.

The comment spam is winding back up again too. Any suggestions? Mel tried to install the little comment tool where you have to type in a code with your comment, but MovableType wasn't having any of that action. So we set the comment log to an abbreviated time period, and that has helped a lot. But any suggestions on the trackback pings?